REVIEW : Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal

Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal (drama)
Cast: John Abraham, Arshad Warsi, Bipasha Basu
Direction: Vivek Agnihotri

HANGOVERS are always bad. And this one is like a staggered hangover of Chak De India . It takes the body and rips out the soul. So that, you have one more sporty spiel about desh-bhakti.

Only, this one hums and haws about Hum Hindustani and Hamari Hindustaniyat, unlike the earlier one which was truly Chuck-de, when it comes to clichés. Here, it’s a bunch of Southall Brits who are hellbent on proving their Bharat belongingness and they do it so predictably, you can almost see the tricolour painted on their face.

And if that’s not heavy enough, there are the other mandatory sporty metaphors - primarily, the importance of team spirit - steaming out of the mirchi-less broth. End taste? Mazaa nahin aaya .

Arshad Warsi is the archetypal Asian in Britland. He sells chicken tikka to the goras and dreams of beating them at their own game some day. He dreams of building an Asian Man U that can grab the numero uno spot in the English Football league. But all he has is a rag tag team of ill-assorted desis who just can’t bind. He hires a disgraced ex-soccer star (Boman Irani) as coach to resurrect the Southall United club. But what he really needs is someone who can truly bend it like Beckham.

In short, he needs super star Sunny Bhasin (John Abraham) who needs to stop breaking his window panes, stop playing for the rival gora teams, and stop thinking he is a gora as well. And of course, he needs to stop teasing the Captain’s sexy sis (Bipasha) who happens to be the team’s physio too.

But before Sunny can find his spot under the sun, he needs to discover his own self and shake off the label of the BBCD (British born confused desi). Now, that’s quite an arduous journey which means he shares a bed with Warsi, indulges in verbal bouts with a hostile dad, gets his nose broken again and again and makes you wince with pain. Ugh! Why can’t he just Be Indian-Bye Brit without the battering nose job.

Get the point? Goal is actually a case of Dhan Dhana Dhan deja vu, where everything that you’ve ever seen in any and every sport film finds a dekko. The script simply doesn’t rise above the clichés and lets down the actors who just can’t bend your emotions.

Arshad tries hard, John is naughty, only in places, Boman is boring, Bipasha is bechari eye candy. Poor girl, she doesn’t even get to play the item girl Billo Rani, who obviously has been inspired by Beedi Jalai le . Nope! Unlike saddi hockey chokris, the soccer boys may not be serenaded by flag-waving crowds.